"The only thing that stays the same is everything changes." - my Dad

So why is that? Why is it that everything always has to change? I know… that is kind of a dumb question because we all know change is inevitable. Some change is good, but it’s the bad change that sucks. Why do good things have to go away and bad things replace them? Why are things that are so sacred taken away?

I wish I could go back to when I was a little girl. Of course, some times things weren’t always so great then either. Despite troubles that my parents had during their marriage, I remember the good old days and smile. I remember saddling up my horse and riding through the big pasture – a piece of land that dad always taught me was so sacred. I look at it now and reminds me of when I was a little girl – when I would jump the creeks on my horse, Carebear Charlie, or when I would help dad round up cattle. But those memories also make me sad because it reminds me that those days are gone and are never coming back. A way of life that used to be so bright in my mind has turned into cobweb-covered memories of something that felt like a dream – a good dream, but a dream nonetheless. Times that have passed by. Times that seem like they never were. Times that I wish I could transport myself back to.

The most wonderful big pasture ever!! ...with David and Erica's house on the other side. :)
(P.S. This picture doesn't even come close to doing it justice!!)

That big pasture lay in between my home and my cousins, David and Erica. It seemed like David and I were inseparable during our childhood summers. I would wake up in the morning, and it wouldn’t be too long before I could see a little black dot coming through the middle of the pasture. The little black dot started at David’s house, and eventually the little black dot found its way to my house. David and I would play video games (“Master Blaster” to be specific. Of course, we only had a grand total of three Nintendo games. The other two were "Super Mario Brothers" and "Duck Hunt.") Next to Nintendo, imagination was usually our only other toy. David would be Batman, I would be Cat Woman, and we would fight an imaginary Joker. There was also occasional X-men adventures, too. I went back and forth between Storm and Rouge. David, of course, was Wolverine. (And now I’m a huge fan of Hugh Jackman…)

But things have changed…. Now David lives in North Carolina. Luckily, though, I know I can show up on his door step pretty well anytime, and he will gladly reminisce with me about those days. (I guess he is my portal to the past.) But our nostalgic sessions are always too few and far between.

And my horse Charlie – she is still around but is in retirement living out her days in my pasture next to mom’s house where I grew up. The big pasture is, of course, still there, but things are not the way they used to be. Everything has changed. Kids have grown up. The flowing streams that Charlie and I jumped have dried up. The old dilapidated fences are relics of what used to be a large cattle operation. I’m lucky enough that Erica has moved home, and I’m able to visit with her when and if the two of us aren’t running around like chickens with our heads cut off. But growing up has gotten in the way.

I’d now like to take the time to say… “Being an adult sucks….” Sure, you get to make all of your own decisions, and you can drive, and do other cool adult things. But on nights like tonight, I just wish those childhood days were back again - those days when living was so simple and it wasn’t crap hitting the fan every other day. Well… crap did hit the fan, but I guess it was just less crap or one concentrated pile of it. You didn’t have to deal with the horrendous multitude of trials and tribulations that adult life throws at you. I’ve had more things happen to me and people I love in the past couple years that made me think: “Are you serious???!!!!” Bad things happening to good people, friends leaving, betrayal of loved ones, and just general adult junk…. Ugh…. Some days I want to ask “When is it going to stop??!!”

Now don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot of good, too. I definitely have things to be happy about. But when you come face to face with relics from the past – things or people that have changed and transformed from the childhood images you remember so clearly – it’s just enough to make you want to bury yourself in your bedroom, lock the door, pull the covers up over your head, and never come out.

I guess this post will classify as a rant. I usually try to post happy, uplifting posts, but everyone has their days when they just can’t seem to get out of a rut. That’s me today. I guess I should be thankful though – thankful I have those good memories from childhood, thankful I had a horse when most little girls only dreamed of getting a horsie for Christmas, thankful to have had awesome cousins (a tip of the hat to Adam and Aaron as well), thankful to have had a great big sister who would write me poetry and send home from college, thankful to have an amazing mother who made the best egg salad sandwiches, and thankful to have had the best big pasture a girl could ever have. Furthermore, I’m thankful to still have that sanctuary that I can go to on crappy days. Even though the memories of my home sometimes make me greatly miss days gone by, I can always drive a little ways down the road, through the tunnel of trees at Vanderpool Gap, and breathe a sigh of relaxation and relief when the trees open up to show the most beautiful piece of land I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I just hope and pray that’s one thing that never changes.