It’s time to turn over a new leaf. For me, 2013 was probably
one of the hardest years of my life. Actually, I take that back. It WAS the
hardest year of my life. Don’t get me wrong – I had many blessings bestowed
upon me last year, but the darkness of so many tragedies all but covered up the
joy from any miracles. Seriously, 2013 was the toughest emotional year of my
life.
This was the year of losing people. Some people I lost
because their time had come to leave the world, whether it was from natural
death or by extreme, unfortunate tragedy.
Then, there were those toxic people. You know – I spoke of
them in a post from last year. I think we all have those toxic people in our
lives. They’re terrible, aren’t they? Sometimes they’re people you really, really
want to love, but they’re too caught up in their own drama or image to care. Of
course, then there are those that no matter how hard you try, no matter how much
you want them to care about you, no matter what you do to gain their respect,
or no matter how much they’re supposed to love you, they simply…. won’t.
It’s not that they simply, don’t. On some level, these people do love
you, it’s just they won’t embrace the opportunity. Instead, they would
rather remain hardened, self-absorbed, devious, and selfish (excuse me) asses
instead of welcome the loving breath-of-fresh-air that you could be in their
lives. And to those people, I say “I’m tired of trying… Forget you! I’ve got
more important people to care about!” (Now don’t think this seemingly, strong
attitude came to me overnight. No, ma’am or sir. It’s been nearly 30 years in
the making, and I still don’t think it’s complete yet. We shall see…)
And then there was another kind of person… and I don’t even
know how to describe these people. They’re not the kind that are taken by
death, and they’re not (in the same definition as above) “toxic.” They’re the
people who have been taken or chose to leave through the workings of another
type of tragedy. Remember the people I spoke of last year – the people who were
separated from you by an invisible wall that you just couldn’t penetrate? Those
are the people I’m talking about. Unfortunately, sometimes that wall gets
thicker and thicker until that friend fades away like a ghost. For the Harry
Potter fans out there, it’s almost like when Sirius dies: There’s that split,
silencing second when the killing blow strikes and everything is still for a
moment. You get that sinking feeling in your gut, in your heart. Your breath
stops. Then, your friend falls through the vale and you’re forever separated by
some kind of weird time and space. In the meantime, all you can do is try to
let out the pain and sadness by crying and screaming at the top of your lungs.
Those are the ones that broke my heart the most. Those are the ones I will
probably never fully recover from.
As weird as it is to say, I’ve said my good-bye’s to all of
these people. Those “toxic” ones? I gladly opened the door to my life, held
them up by the belt, and booted their butt out, pleasingly waving “buh-bye!!”
while they’re flying through the threshold.
For the people who left this world, I can only hope to see
them again in a world where we can be together like we used to or get to know
each other like we didn’t. My grandfather passed away this year… a man I really
thought would never die, but he did. I talked to him some while he was here,
but I wouldn’t say I ever got to “know” him. Nonetheless, it still brings a
lump to my throat when I remember him, especially when I think of the last
words he said to me: “Don’t forget me.” My grandfather was controversial, but he
was my grandfather even so. I hope there is an opportunity for us to catch up
and get to know each other better one day.
And though I will always continue to morn the loss of dear
friends who have “passed through the vale,” I will never forget them. I will
remember them as I once knew them – an inspiring force with a heart of gold,
someone who taught me so much about myself and my history, a teacher, a
protector, a type of soul mate, a guide, a loving figure, a bridge to a deeper
part of me and my past, or an adventuring spirit that will linger on with me
throughout the rest of my days and then some… for better or for worse. Like
Peter Pan who has returned to Neverland for the last time or a cowboy who walks
slowly away into the sunset. These are the cuts that are too deep, but in some
way or another, God has given me the strength to “deal” (for lack of a better
term) with the loss of these individuals as well as the strength to push
forward in my own life no matter how hard that may be sometimes especially when
memories of these people pass through my head multiple times a day when the
sound of a song, the smell of a fragrance, or the sight of something… enchanting,
beautiful, or majestic comes along.
I always wondered what people meant when they say “God spoke
to me.” Now, I’m not saying God spoke to me or anything… maybe he did. I don’t
know. But I do know (now) that I have to move forward and that living my life
and accomplishing goals that I may have once had with these individuals is the
only way to honor who they were, who they could’ve been, what they could’ve
given, or what they could’ve had. Not only that, but I know I have to hold so
tight to the goodness these people once gave not only me but to others around
me - to not ever let their magic or influence die. While there was once magic
in those people (and magic there may still be, buried deep), their magic lives
in me and those they passed it on to. The only way for the good spirits of
these people to truly live is for their loved ones to pass along their
wonderful spirit and never forget their good.
Yes, this post is a little deep, but I guess I just needed
it to get on with the new year. I hope I can retain all of this “hope,”
“confidence,” or whatever it is that I seem to have. I know that not every day
is going to be great, and I will remember these people down the road (some more
often than others), and there will be days I have to cry my eyes out but
eventually pick myself back up, give myself a good kick in the butt, toss out
my box if Kleenex, and get on with it already, especially when I have other
wonderful and loving opportunities and friends smiling back at me. After all, you
only get one life to live, and for those who, for one reason or another, can’t
live their lives, I intend to live it enough for the both of us.
“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” right? Well, it
hasn’t killed me, so I guess I’m stronger. We’ll see…
And with that, I give a tip of the top hat to all of those
wonderful people I’ve lost. For better or for worse, you’ll be with me forever.
“We’ll be friends forever, wont we, Pooh?” Yes, Piglet, forever.
Now it’s time to forget the bad, remember the good, embrace
the present, and prepare for, what I’m determined is going to be, a glorious
future.
Happy New Year, everyone. I hope this post has helped with
any struggles you are going through, and may your new year bring blessings and
triumphs beyond your wildest imagination!
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