That was my mindset for about the first
10 years of my adult life. Why should I follow the rules of: Go to
college, find a job, and then work it until your dead like everyone
else does? So instead of doing what everyone else was doing, I was
determined to dream big, cultivate a life and profession I was in
love with, and the rest would be history. HA! It was pretty hard to
build a thriving dance studio in a rural, agricultural community with
a local school population of less than 200 kids K through 12. As it
were (and still is), there are barely enough kids to populate all the
different activities we currently have going on in our county.
(However, we do have some awesome things going on for kids in
Highland County!)
 |
| Some of my Sundance kiddos taking a break for a fun pic |
Furthermore, for that portion of my
life I was trying to make the studio and a dance career work in a
small, rural community, I was also broke as a joke, too!! Having a
normal job and regular paycheck is a heck of a lot better than living
gig to gig. However, now I am finding the normal job is not enough.
Don't get me wrong – my full-time job is awesome and I enjoy the
work, but it just still doesn't seem to be my calling. It's a pretty
puzzle, but the pieces just aren't fitting.
I worry that Katherine is right – am
I trying to play by society's rules and, therefore, missing all the
fun? Or is it true that life is simply eat, work, sleep, repeat?
A couple Disney princesses come to
mind... Ariel dreamed of a world that was different from hers, and she
made the impossible possible through her unwavering desire and
determination to know she could have more than everyone else
believed. Then, there's Belle who sang an anthem to living more than
just the provincial life. Of course, these are just Walt's creations,
but why shouldn't we be that believing in our own lives and our own
selves?
I returned from vacation recently
pumped full of inspiration to live a better life, a slower life, a
less stressful life, and a more productive life. Lately, I just feel
like a hamster on a wheel – running and running and getting no
where. I'm accomplishing things, but its not completely fulfilling.
It's almost like Voldemort was described in Harry Potter – I feel
like I'm living a half-life.
Currently, I have plenty of work, but I
feel like I have so much work in several different places that I
can't give 100% to just one. And with one of my jobs in particular, it
is so busy within itself that I couldn't give 100% if it was the only
thing on my plate. The problem is – I like all of the work I do.
But maybe the time has come to give up one of my loves? Or maybe the
real solution is just figuring out how to manage them better?
The other problem I'm currently having
is I'm sitting all the time, which means I'm not as active as I used
to be, which means I'm gaining weight. Not cool for me. Not judging
big women! There are plenty of beautiful, big women in the world, but
weight on me just doesn't look right and it's not what I want my body
to be. I'll be honest... when I was dancing more, I weighed 135.
Now.... Ugh.... I weigh 160 pounds! And you want to know the odd
thing? I go to sleep most every night thinking I'm going to get up
and go work out in the morning! But what do I do? Wake up in the
morning and think Well, I should really go get some office work
done, so I can try to make more money.
So somewhere my life has molded into trying to get ahead in work and
gain more money rather than taking full care of my body and my
mind...
Now, I
know some people are probably reading this post and thinking Really?
You're complaining that you have work to do??
I know there are people out there that don't have jobs and that would
probably be very thankful to have some of my work, and those people
are probably not too happy with me for "complaining" about it. And then
I'm sure there are others that may think: Nobody wants to
work anymore. Nobody knows how to work hard anymore. This girl is
just lazy! But you know what?
That doesn't matter. All I know is that my life is too complicated
and some things need to be done about it, and I'm not going to let
society or anyone else decide if I should or shouldn't be happy in
the situation I'm in.
Like I said
earlier, it's a beautiful puzzle, but all the pieces don't fit. In
fact, I think the real problem is someone shoved several extra pieces
in my box! THAT makes more sense!
I love my life, but
some tweaks need to be made. In an earlier post, I listed a few
things I wanted to change about my life. Let's revisit, shall we?
- Living
a more sustainable, off-the-grid life
- Being able to breath in the middle of the day and not have heart palpitations thinking about my “To Do” list
- Have time and/or the opportunity to marvel
- Explore unknowns about myself and the world around me
- Be thankful for and appreciate the things in life that really matter
- Reduce my material desires
So,
I'm holding myself accountable. What have I done since I got home
from vacation and developed this new drive?
Living a more sustainable life – Of course, I started earlier this spring by planting a garden like I do every year. I'm also working on an idea with a friend to have a (or a couple) joint garden projects to help us grow and preserve more food. Exciting!
My Garden - Tomatoes, Onions, Green Beans, Corn... YUM! - Being able to breath – So important.... I have REALLY tried not to work myself into a frenzy about things since I have been home. I've tried to come to the realization that there are simply not enough hours in a day and whatever I get done in a day will have to be good enough for me as well as everyone around me. And if it is not good enough for the people around me, then that is not my fault because I am working as hard as I can in the most healthy way I can.
- Have time to marvel – Haven't really done that as much as I should. When I try to take the time to do that, I end up thinking about something else I should be doing. I need to work on this one...
- Explore unknowns – Another work in progress...
- Be thankful – Yup, I am definitely getting a good dose of that. I am thankful. Even though things are a bit crazy, I am very thankful for all the simple, yet amazing, opportunities I am given every day – getting to hang out with family, living in a beautiful place, being far away from violence, having the ability to grow my own food, having the resources and skills I do that will hopefully allow me to live a more sustainable life... Take this picture for example: I traded services for the whole wheat bread, am currently trading services for the hamburger, and grew the onions myself. A completely sustainable supper!
- Reduce my material desires – This one has been tough... Since I got back, I've seen so many things I want whether its on a Facebook Swap & Sell site or at a sale at a shop in town. It's taken a lot of self control to remind myself that I don't need everything I think is pretty or cute – that I can admire without owning. It's slowly becoming a new way of life, and I am excited about it.
So there it is –
my goals. What are yours?
I would have never
imagined that people would actually read this blog. I just started
doing it for fun and to get thoughts out of my head. Now, I see there
are people in Russia, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and all over
the world reading this. (Hi!!) Who woulda thunk it? More importantly,
I recently found out my writing gives some people that are pretty
special to me some encouragement, and that is definitely a good reason to continue writing and blogging.
So to all you out
there who have decided to stop in and read today: Thank you! But if
what I'm talking about is something that is ringing clear in your
life at the moment, then why not take the steps to “tweak” your
life, too? Actually.... we could even do it together. Make a list
about the things you would tweak in your life. What are they? Why do
you want to tweak them? How are you going to tweak them? Then, keep
that list in front of you every day and make all your decisions based
on that list. The list doesn't need to be long or complex. It doesn't
need to be something that is overwhelming and non-realistic. Just
look at my list above - things you desire for your life.
A friend of mine
used to work as a buyer for a home décor company. She would go to
trade shows and find new products; however she had a small list of
things the company was interested in carrying. My friend, who is just
always full of good ideas, would go to these trade shows and find all
of these great products and get ideas for marketing them and think of
how much she loved the items and how she would buy them and put them
in her own home. But alas, when she looked at the company's
merchandise list, some of the items she found just did not fit into
the company's merchandising intentions. So she bid the cute items
farewell and went on her way.
Our life lists are
very much the same. It's like I said about material possessions
earlier. It's okay to realize something is cute, cool, or neat, but
that doesn't mean we HAVE to have it in our lives. It's the same with
projects (and this really applies for me!): If you have an idea you
think would be so much fun and something you just HAVE to do in your
lifetime, look at your list. Does it really fit? If so, go for it. If
it doesn't, you have to have the strength to realize you can't do
everything, let yourself off the hook, and value your life without
that project in it.
So I'm asking now:
What's on your list? What are YOUR rules? If you would like, I'd love to see comments below!
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